Tuesday, September 28, 2010

That I Can't Fall

I am so bothered. I know exactly how the lyrics should be sung, but since I can't compose music or put music on paper, (much less sing), I do not how else to have this particular song 'shared' to an audience. I could not get it out of my head either.

Sadly, I don't have many choices aside from leaving it at that, but this song I think speaks for many people out there.

That I Can't Fall


Staring at the phone for hours now
Biting my nails, waiting
For a call that wouldn't come
I look up at the ceiling, I see none
And when I'm done crying
I kick myself and ask oh why
Did I let it come to this
When I've known from the start

That I can't fall
You won't be there to catch me
Nor I can hope
We just can never ever be
My heart breaks too fast
And mends too slowly
I've known I can't fall for you
But I've crashed down anyway

I go to bed,unable to sleep
Trying to dream it through in vain
But even the starless night
Can barely mask my pain
And just when I thought I've gone numb
I think of you and feel again
How did it come to this
When I've known from the start..

Saturday, September 18, 2010

What A Journey

In Literature class, upon studying The Alchemist of Paulo Coelho, we have come to a conclusion that it may not be the destination, but the journey that we learn more from and that matters most.

That's what I literally kept thinking since I boarded the bus going to Caticlan port September 10th, when all I ever wanted was to get there ASAP, take a bath, and rest before strolling the magical Boracay Island at night. Or at least that's what I kept convincing myself so I would not loose a screw.

The trip on the way there had been traumatic and unbearable to me. Almost 6 hours of sitting on the bus made me feel like the seat has made permanent marks on my behind. Not to mention there were barbaric uneducated teenage school urchins who were boisterous enough to rouse my murderous instincts. I kept mumbling “inner poise” and “I must forget that patience is not my virtue” to myself.

I read a book, exhausted my mp3's batteries, slept..(or tried to). Halfway in to the trip I was already delirious from hunger, stress, rage, drowsiness and anxiety to get to my destination. Not to mention I almost got caught in a brawl between the bus driver and a rude passenger. Here I imagined myself, haggard and emaciated, in the police station giving an officer my statement as one of the witnesses to a public manslaughter.

Gosh, and did I say that when I climbed down, my feet barely reached ground when the bus took off? Thankfully I have not disgraced myself in any way, since I was carrying two huge and heavy plastic bags of food along with my suitcase which contained my clothes. They all weighed like the world to me, they made walking a challenge, and I simply couldn’t wait to get rid of them.

The 10-minute pump-boat trip seemed like eternity because of my baggage (they psychologically weighed me down) and the tricycle ride from the port to my sister's boarding house was bumpy, in all aspects. I've been to Boracay several times before, but I had no idea how far the Balabag plaza was; she was supposed to meet me there. I told the driver to drop me off wherever I should be dropped off. When I saw her, I felt faint with relief.

Needless to say, after a glorious week stay at Boracay, I am not looking forward to the trip back. I sincerely wished I could do Instant Transmission like Goku did on Dragon Ball Z, or fly the like Superman. I braced myself for a hazardous journey again when I had no choice but to take the air-conditioned bus. I was told that a regular one wouldn't be in sooner than an hour, but I can't afford to dally much. It was a consolation I could still grab a seat by the window. But how I wanted to find a regular bus, so I'd be able to stick my head halfway out the window and there would be no nasty smell of lemon car freshener which I totally detested beyond words.

I never felt like puking up in a long time so I almost freaked out when that I had that familiar watery sensation in my mouth when it was not even that long since the bus pulled out of the terminal. I broke out in cold sweat and prayed that the trip would be over soon. WHY did time seem to be standing still? I fervently prayed that at least I wouldn't throw my lunch back up and make a mess of myself, if the dizziness wouldn't go away. I could fight off dizziness by forcing sleep. Tormenting images of my bed and pillows danced in my head manically.

The hours which followed were probably the longest 5 hours of my life. I fought the urge to cry and stamp my feet in frustration. The bus got crowded, the TV was showing death scenes, and vendors who climbed in thrust homemade pies to my face. I looked at the clock every 3 minutes, willing the hands move way faster, vowing to myself that I'd definitely write about this experience once I got home and rested.

Resigned, I thought of anything that could have been good or meaningful about my journey. I was not able to help anyone (except maybe the young girl who sold corn in the terminal, when I shared some candies with her, but I did not do much, did I?), I could not say my life has been altered, I did not unearth some treasure. I did not meet a long lost twin sister. I kept telling myself to be patient.

It was when my heart leapt of joy upon reaching home that I realized one good thing that could come out from going through such an excruciating journey: your destination always looked more beautiful. And I smiled.

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Club Predator

Majiinbuu, a character from the anime  Dragon Ball Z
Call me overacting, but I really hated him. Here's what happened:

Jane, RC and I were at an island resto-bar just to chill, and we were discussing whether or not to go to the dance floor, and what time should we go home, etc. My fourth day in Boracay Island. I thought to take a pic of them and this guy came from behind me (almost giving me a heart attack) and he volunteered to take a picture of us. He was a large man and because the place was normally dark, I was not able to make out much of his features. I told him how nice of him since Jane, RC and I did not have any picture of us three (unless we stick our heads really close to one another) because one always had to be the photographer.You get the idea.


So I handed my digital camera over, and the moment he took a second shot of us together I suddenly  had that sinking sensation in my stomach that usually occurs before something terrible takes place. Instincts told me that he might ask something in return. Hopefully nothing more than words of gratitude! No wonder in the picture (refer to the one above) I looked like I accidentally swallowed a lemon! LOL

I was guilty for feeling suspicious about him (didn't he just take a pic of us?), but what could I have done! I graciously thanked him and felt my shoulders sagged in relief when he moved back to his friends' table.

I was beginning to tell my sister and my friend how paranoid I had felt when he just materialized again behind me. I almost shrieked in nervousness. He said something like, "Are you going to the dance floor?" My first thought was, "The monster!" (And unfathomably I just associated him with Majiinbuu!) "No, we are still talking," I said. He had to be stupid not to get the message. But he walked away.

So, I was really mad. The point is, why could he just take a picture of us and accept our gratitude? Why did he make me feel like dancing with him would be sort of an act of "payment"? Can't people just do things for people without asking for anything in return???

Thursday, September 9, 2010

My Jacket Guy

The ride home was tormenting, as expected during late evenings especially now that the rainy season has begun. Or maybe it was just my ultra-sensitive skin which made me prone to chills at the slightest drop of temperature, that I shivered under my denim jeans and plain shirt. My flip-flops offered little protection to my icy feet, and it would be at least half an hour before I'd get my freezing ass off the bus.The wind was whipping at my face. The situation prompted a rare wish that I have a car of my own, with heater. And with ardent longing, I thought of my bed and heavy blankets plus a cup of hot chocolate.

That may be the case, but I did not curse under my breath anymore nor I condemned myself for not having foresight to bring a jacket.(At least, not loudly.)If anything, it made me smile, because of what and whom the scenario made me recall.

My friends would tell you right away that I was more likely reminiscing that night with Jacket Guy (how I wish I had his name to promptly address him), and if you met him, you'd know why I tend to act like a silly teenager at the mention of that encounter.

It happened almost two years ago when I was in my last year in University, on a January Tuesday...Stressed due to a homework I had to finish that day, come 9PM I felt like I would meet death when the temp dropped to probably 15 degrees and at I was still an hour away from home. This was the time some ice melted somewhere, so it was uncharacteristically cold even for January, and my thoughts were alarmingly of frostbite, ice,and frozen body parts.

It was a bit of comfort that I was going home with my aunt; I did not have to be cold all by myself and I had someone I could bug about my sentiments.I mean, I was wearing my black slacks and long-sleeved top and  many passengers had less parts of them covered but no one looked half as cold as I felt. How abnormal could I get?Even before the jeepney pulled out of the terminal, overacting as it might sound, I honestly thought I'd die pronto. I belatedly (and shamefully) realized that  everybody in the jeepney was made aware of my 'delicate constitution' because of my loud mouth and non-stop  complaints to my aunt.

Thirty minutes into the trip (with my jaw tired) I did my best to sleep it through.In my resigned torment I imagined writing a story with a situation similar to the one I was being in. (Writing has always been  a great way to escape.Ha!) Except my heroine would have a handsome prince to her rescue, one  I was not obviously getting. I mean, this was the 21st century. Enough said.

Or maybe Fate was trying to prove me wrong.Because just as I was thinking of a handsome prince coming to my heroine's rescue, a guy just across where my aunt was sitting called my attention, simply shrugged out of his jacket and handed it to me! And my,didn't he look princely indeed! Maybe it was over the top but what the heck, my jaw must have dropped at the unexpected gesture, which I thought was only for yellowed romance paperbacks I was obsessed with when I was still in high school.

My first thought was, 'Was he serious? He doesn't know me!'. It was a bit dark inside the jeep, so I did my best to make out his features (not that I hadn't been looking at him haha, but just making sure). Maybe he was a schoolmate or an old classmate. I just by default didn't assume a complete stranger would just do what he did. I'd been blessed me with people who, in my  time of need, had shown me overwhelming generosity and compassion; it's just that what this gentleman had done for me was something waaaay beyond my expectations from a flesh-and-blood, 21st century male. It's another surprise factor that he didn't look like those repulsive, bestial creatures (no elaboration warranted) that I seemed to normally attract like a 100-year old curse.

His face did not look even remotely familiar, if my frozen brain's judgment were to be believed. He looked around my age (or maybe a year or two older) and the only thing I recalled about him was his fair skin that was a contrast to his dark eyes.And the dark brown jacket I had put on, of course, which later Tita said smelled of probably Ross perfume.

My aunt asked me under her breath if I knew him.and when I weakly told her, 'No', I could have sworn she disowned me. But I swear that I didn't just disrobe men of their jackets! I was only too cold to refuse his offer. Undeniably, I wanted to make small talks, and maybe even ask for his name, but that would require me to speak a bit louder to be heard because of our distance. it's just that I could not risk opening my mouth  because I am more likely to embarrass myself in the process.My aunt is within earshot, and I would never hear the end of it for like ten billion years if I said something inappropriate (translated: ANYTHING AT ALL).

So all I was able to say was 'Thank You So Much'  when I returned his jacket before climbing down the jeepney. Nothing more than words of gratitude was warranted, I thought, though my mind was screaming chaotic chain of thoughts. But I could tell you that the warmth of his kindness really got into me. Where oh where in this vast universe did his type usually hang out?

Many of my friends asked if I saw him again but sadly, I did not, even if I looked and watched for him just for the heck of it. The thing is....If I learned something from that night, it is to believe that there are many good people out there. Altruism, after all, still exists, and yes, miracles happen! Not all men are pigs that should die so monkeys could take over. I was fortunate to have proven that a gentleman of the olden times still existed, and it would be harsh to think that all men were jerks who deserved to be pushed into a lion's den. I just have to pay his kindness forward.

And maybe our paths were not meant to cross more than once, I have been thinking for almost two years now.But what more could I ask? I was given a rare reason to smile a little on cold, cold, nights. :)