Still Elusive

I am finally in China, where just six weeks ago I swore I could have crawled just to reach. I am teaching, as planned, earning RMB and trying in vain to speak Mandarin. I have new Chinese friends, a collection of mysterious foods in my counter, and even special Jasmine tea from the high mountains which I bought in Shanghai along with the silk Chinese dress I hope would fit soon.
I am getting the hang of the Chinese way of life. Even my Resident Permit is ironed out. Oh, and yes, before I forget: I got a boyfriend.

Everything has fallen into place, even with little surprises at the side. Okay, that was an understatement. The surprises were anything but little. But anyways, they are another story, and the point is...I am living the life that I had merely dreamed about just more than a month ago. Yet, I am plagued with that tormentingly repititive voice in my head, asking "Where do you go from here?"

China has HAPPENED. Why is it that I feel as though I want to be anywhere but here? THIS is what I had been wanting to experience, dying to experience while I was in the Philippines. So, WEI SHEN MA?

My thoughts at the moment go like this: I want to go to Australia or New Zealand to study Fashion Merchandising and at the same time, take some units in Journalism along with some Creative Writing courses. I want to be an intern at a fashion magazine, do a bit of photography as well, and eventually be a successful novelist. I would be able to save up, travel, take care of my family, and before I hit 30, marry if applicable.

IF ONLY I have sufficient money to do that, or just ANY to even THINK of it. But that's why I am here in China, right, to SAVE UP for the things I truly want to do? What's a year or two of suffering and professional stagnation when it could pay off a great deal in the future. I will just have to persevere and endure all of this.I am sure there's something else I could do while waiting for my break to come. It couldn't be as bad as it feels right now, could it?

I hope I could tell THAT to myself, and convince myself so. *sigh*

I Was On The Phone With Mom

It is March 11th. I have been here in China for a little over a month, and for the first time, I called my mother. It was just after I received my first pay, and after I managed to buy an IP card without much ado( translated: Pantomime) at a store near BHG. Surely, it helps when you know how to say the numbers in Chinese!

I refused to make sure how many minutes I got exactly, but I spent 35 RMB on a 100-Yuan card, and even a few minutes hearing my mother's voice would be worth it, though (of course) I'd have no idea whether the price I paid for it is reasonable.

But anyways, I can't begin to describe how it feels to be able to talk to anyone from home. It was all I could do not to break down to tears.I assured my mother that I'd be very careful not to fall victim for drug dealers here in China. Everything is fine, really, I kept telling her, as I was standing by the window, overlooking the busy , intersecting streets of Wangjing City from the 7th floor of the Loftel Building.

Then it simply happened. Cars halted to a stop when the light went red, and in a matter of seconds a grey car bumped into a much smaller cart, the cart overturned, and the next thing I knew loads of baggages and the cart's lone passenger ( a man whose age I couldn't calculate because I wasn't near enough) were sprawled on the street.

I froze for a second, totally forgetting what I have been telling my mom. Everything happened so damned fast.My mother was telling me to calm down, and take care of myself. I assured her I could do both. But of course, part of my mind had already gone somewhere else.

It is not the first time I have witnessed accidents. I think everyone at some point of his life has to witness one. There was a time I even seen someone died, right before my eyes. From a non-serious injury to some fatal death, I seen them all. They all seemed like a bad joke, even then.

What I keep hearing myself say is, "Anything can happen any moment." And it scares the daylights out of me. If I would die...

I don't even want to entertain the thought. But I would fight death, I am sure, if possible. I love life too much to simply die. There are so many things to do yet, so many unseen places to discover.My own life has just begun, come to think of it!

Eventually, I was able to calm my nerves. The ambulance arrived, the scene of the crime, err, accident, was cleared. Spectators simply began walking away, as if nothing happened. Thirty minutes after the incident, life went on. Life didn't even stop to some people, right. But to that man's family, it might have had. Who knows.

But one thing I know is that, the voice inside me is really right. Any moment, everything can change.

I Can Tell Him Anything But This:

My heart has turned away

Blind and deaf and unfeeling

since I was left alone

To wonder in the dark,

What meaning does life hold

When in your memory

I am dead, forgotten.

I Am So Down That The Only Way Left Must Be Up

Indeed, in the hands of an emotionally motivated poet, a multitude of emotions could possibly be captured in the least number of words and these few words, could just simply be enough.

I wish I know what I want

But I sure hate this emptiness

I hope I am certain where I want to go

My heart screams anywhere but here.

Quoted poems, ran out of songs

I hardly have a prayer left

Tired of walking alone

Even my tears beg to rest.

Wish

A line from a Pussycat Dolls song says to ‘be careful what you wish for, or you just might get it.’ If the Anunnaki would kidnap me NOW, and take me to Nibiru like I’ve been babbling about, what could possible happen to me?

Would they hold me captive without torturing me or something…or would they like me? Would I be able to survive the trip to Nibiru, which could take YEARS? Would I like what I would see? Would Enlil or Enki give me some kind of superpower? In the first place, how COULD they even remotely consider taking ME, of all Earthlings?

AND…What would happen to the people I’d leave behind? Will I see them again? Maybe when the “gods” would grant me some sort of immunity from anything perilous I could find myself into and I consequentially could be with my family again after some craved adventures in Nibiru things would surely be cool. I don’t have to be banished from the face of the planet Earth forever. 

But what if somehow I’d displeasure them and they’d torture me with some advanced weaponry, or have some mini-atomic bomb put a tragic end to my short life?

Oh jeez. Maybe it’s still possible to get away from all the bull I had yet to face without having to be kidnapped by Aliens. Even if, to be honest, being kidnapped by them is all I could think about. No no no.

I just have to concentrate on thinking what clothes to wear to the beach and ASAP catch a few hours of sleep before embarking on that 3-or-so-hour trip to Carles...

A Letter To My Daughter

December 29, 2010
9:38 PM

My dearest Tori,

I hope I’d indeed have the sense to name you Viktoria, because at this moment I really think that it’s a timeless, regal name. Onl y yours would be spelled with a ‘k’ just to be different from many. My darling daughter it isn’t my intention, of course, that when you introduce yourself to people someday you’d have to go, “My name’s Viktoria… with a ‘k’, not ‘c’.” But humor your Mama.

You’d notice the date on this letter is kind of funny, because it’s probably eight or so years before you were even born (my fingers are crossed!)

I am writing it at the age of 22, and just so you can picture me better, I am in my own room at your grandparents’ house, wearing a pair of cotton shorts and a loose white T-shirt and getting ready for bed after finishing off some potato chips. (Just between the two of us, I am badly craving for spaghetti your grandma cooks so well.) Anyways, I am wearing a headband to keep my shoulder-length hair from blocking my view of the monitor screen. My own laptop is retarded so I borrowed your Aunt Gigi’s, and also (before I forget), I just finished reading Maxwell Igan’s Earth’s Forbidden Secrets. I hope you’d look the book up when you got time, Sweetie. 

One of the reasons I am for writing to you is that I thought of what my New Year’s resolution would be, since apparently, mostly everybody has one. In reality, Tori, I am not a fan of New Year’s resolutions at all. I remembered listing down a few when I was younger but I could not recall if I ever stuck to a single item in my list.  Yes, the start of each year could mean a start of something new, and it could signify a better or an improved you. However I believe that each day of the year is a new beginning if a fresh start is all you want, and that one doesn’t have to wait for the New Year to make changes in their lives.

So I decided to instead write about the most important lessons I learned this year. Lessons that I wanted to impart to you so you understand and appreciate more of life from my lows, challenges, hardships, and tears. This year has been of many beautiful memories, don’t get me wrong. But I think it is also brimming with tales one could gain some insights from. I am hoping, Darling that, while I would want you to make mistakes and learn on your own, you would know that I also want you to learn from the experiences of others. 

Tori, remember that time is running and it does not wait for anyone. I wrote in a journal entry that while we are wishing we could turn it back, we are only simultaneously wasting more of it. I want you to make the most of each day in your life, and live as if you’re dying.  Once you understand the magical paradox of time, Sweetie, you’d learn to value what you have, and realize you’re way more blessed than you ever thought possible. Many times life does not seem to give as it takes. Strive to see the beauty in the things that you have while in pursuit of the things you want.

It is okay to be crazy at some extent. Make funny faces in front of the camera. Waltz in the rain. Sing out loud even you’re off-key it makes you happy. Pig out on chocolates. Laugh at yourself.  Crack corny jokes. Squeal at the sight of rainbows. Watch out for shooting stars. See every day as a miracle or, as Einstein put it, see nothing as a miracle. I’d never want you to forget how to look at the world through the eyes of a child, Tori. An adult’s eye tends to see things in a complicated way when it could be so simple.

Of course, the world could be cruel. People could hurt you, and believe me, they will. Sometimes you’d feel like the world is your burden, and you feel so down and no one understands you. There would be nights you just wanted to be alone in your room, shut off from the world, your teary face buried in your damp pillows. You might feel so cursed and unloved. But nothing lasts forever, remember? So these tears of yours shouldn’t. Isn’t that a comfort now, love? 

And no matter what happens, keep your hope alive. Keep the faith. Tagore wrote, it is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark. Shit happens, but we must move on. There would be times it’s easier to just wallow in misery and self-pity. But no one is perfect. Forgive yourself, Tori, and remember this: even if you committed a mistake so great, you still have the right to be happy. As long as you do not intentionally step on the happiness of others, fight for yours. Do not waste the gift of life.

Do not ever, ever doubt yourself, and never falter in believing in what you can do once your heart is set out to do it. Love yourself, because you cannot love others until you learn to accept yourself for what you are. You are a creature like no other, just be the best you can be. I cannot stress this enough, and probably it’s something learned the hard way, but do not compare yourself with others. It is only depressing. 

There’s a reason why each of us has different circumstances, Sweetie. Everything in this world happens for a reason, and each thing, each choice we make, leads us to our destiny. There is reason why the poor is poor and the rich is rich. Whatever a person’s circumstance is, we should see it as an opportunity to learn, and it should not stop you from achieving your dreams. Chase them because sometimes they just do not wait for you. Sometimes there would be no opportunities, so make them.  

Do not just readily accept all the time what life hands you. Living doesn’t swing that way. As one should be contented enough to be happy, be discontented enough to improve, my darling. Do not be afraid to make mistakes and take risks. Take a leap of faith. Playing is safe is never a way to live. Take it from me.

I am not saying to constantly put your life in danger just for the thrill of it. You are reasonable. I just want to tell you that you have to listen to your heart too. 

And ,ah, about love. I could write a book about it, with probably a hundred chapters to boot! But one of the most valuable (and timeless) lessons I learned regarding it, Tori, is to never alter ‘you’ just for the heck of a guy. If he doesn’t accept you at your worst, he freaking does not deserve you at your best. So it is a great deal to be just you, and don’t rush into a relationship just for the sake of being in one.

I know how each guy could feel like The One. I know the loneliness that could only be quenched with love and intimacy with the opposite sex. But wait for the right person. Wait for that guy who would love you for who you truly are: sinner or saint, flaws and all. You are special and beautiful, and the person deserving of your love would see that. He’s worth the wait. I have written an article titled “Status: Single, Explained” and it would say a great deal of what I am mainly trying to tell you Sweetie. 

Casanova would say: be the flame, not the moth, and I highly recommend that you take this to heart too. Your Mama’s striving to, God knows. Be hard to get, but easy to live with. Haha!

Kidding aside Tori, I don’t want to fill you with empty promises that love doesn’t hurt. I could not even begin to describe how it could be bloody painful. It might take several heartaches to be finally with the person you are destined to spend forever with. Just please, I beg you, don’t stop loving. Keep the courage to endure the pain longer. Because for each one of us, there is something wonderful. True love is just too beautiful to give up on, as I am sure you’d realize someday.

There are just so many things I could tell you right now. To be honest with you, at this very second I just felt the desire to fast-forward the years now so that I could be sitting next to you watching the stars on the balcony of what our home would be. I imagine our giggling to the amusement of your Dad, whoever he could be. It would probably be more fun to talk to you about love and fairy tales face to face, wouldn’t it? And we’d never run out of stories for nights by the campfire. I am looking already forward to our salon sessions together, our trading secrets and playing silly games together. I can’t wait to be your Mama. Only on my end, it would take some time before I’d be blessed with your presence.  

And if after reading this letter you begin to see the world even just in a slightly different light, my goal in writing it is accomplished, Sweetie. I know that I will always be proud of you. And I love you across time.

With kisses and hugs,

Your Mother

Dear Aliens:

I hope this mail finds you guys in good health. What prompted this strange missive is the urgency of my situation here on Earth. I am in such a complicated mental state that I am fervently wishing that somehow my message would come across as I am praying it to be, considering the language barrier that is potentially a..well, barrier.

I NEED TO GET AWAY. FAST. PLEASE KIDNAP ME.

I would greatly appreciate any  immediate action regarding this apparently odd request. I could further explain my circumstances in the near future. I vow to you my wish is justifiable. You will not regret kidnapping me. I will be the most cooperative Earthling in the universe. Please please please...

Respectfully yours,

Loissa