9:38 PM
My dearest Tori,
I hope I’d indeed have the sense to name you Viktoria, because at this moment I really think that it’s a timeless, regal name. Onl y yours would be spelled with a ‘k’ just to be different from many. My darling daughter it isn’t my intention, of course, that when you introduce yourself to people someday you’d have to go, “My name’s Viktoria… with a ‘k’, not ‘c’.” But humor your Mama.
You’d notice the date on this letter is kind of funny, because it’s probably eight or so years before you were even born (my fingers are crossed!)
I am writing it at the age of 22, and just so you can picture me better, I am in my own room at your grandparents’ house, wearing a pair of cotton shorts and a loose white T-shirt and getting ready for bed after finishing off some potato chips. (Just between the two of us, I am badly craving for spaghetti your grandma cooks so well.) Anyways, I am wearing a headband to keep my shoulder-length hair from blocking my view of the monitor screen. My own laptop is retarded so I borrowed your Aunt Gigi’s, and also (before I forget), I just finished reading Maxwell Igan’s Earth’s Forbidden Secrets. I hope you’d look the book up when you got time, Sweetie.
One of the reasons I am for writing to you is that I thought of what my New Year’s resolution would be, since apparently, mostly everybody has one. In reality, Tori, I am not a fan of New Year’s resolutions at all. I remembered listing down a few when I was younger but I could not recall if I ever stuck to a single item in my list. Yes, the start of each year could mean a start of something new, and it could signify a better or an improved you. However I believe that each day of the year is a new beginning if a fresh start is all you want, and that one doesn’t have to wait for the New Year to make changes in their lives.
So I decided to instead write about the most important lessons I learned this year. Lessons that I wanted to impart to you so you understand and appreciate more of life from my lows, challenges, hardships, and tears. This year has been of many beautiful memories, don’t get me wrong. But I think it is also brimming with tales one could gain some insights from. I am hoping, Darling that, while I would want you to make mistakes and learn on your own, you would know that I also want you to learn from the experiences of others.
Tori, remember that time is running and it does not wait for anyone. I wrote in a journal entry that while we are wishing we could turn it back, we are only simultaneously wasting more of it. I want you to make the most of each day in your life, and live as if you’re dying. Once you understand the magical paradox of time, Sweetie, you’d learn to value what you have, and realize you’re way more blessed than you ever thought possible. Many times life does not seem to give as it takes. Strive to see the beauty in the things that you have while in pursuit of the things you want.
It is okay to be crazy at some extent. Make funny faces in front of the camera. Waltz in the rain. Sing out loud even you’re off-key it makes you happy. Pig out on chocolates. Laugh at yourself. Crack corny jokes. Squeal at the sight of rainbows. Watch out for shooting stars. See every day as a miracle or, as Einstein put it, see nothing as a miracle. I’d never want you to forget how to look at the world through the eyes of a child, Tori. An adult’s eye tends to see things in a complicated way when it could be so simple.
Of course, the world could be cruel. People could hurt you, and believe me, they will. Sometimes you’d feel like the world is your burden, and you feel so down and no one understands you. There would be nights you just wanted to be alone in your room, shut off from the world, your teary face buried in your damp pillows. You might feel so cursed and unloved. But nothing lasts forever, remember? So these tears of yours shouldn’t. Isn’t that a comfort now, love?
And no matter what happens, keep your hope alive. Keep the faith. Tagore wrote, it is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark. Shit happens, but we must move on. There would be times it’s easier to just wallow in misery and self-pity. But no one is perfect. Forgive yourself, Tori, and remember this: even if you committed a mistake so great, you still have the right to be happy. As long as you do not intentionally step on the happiness of others, fight for yours. Do not waste the gift of life.
Do not ever, ever doubt yourself, and never falter in believing in what you can do once your heart is set out to do it. Love yourself, because you cannot love others until you learn to accept yourself for what you are. You are a creature like no other, just be the best you can be. I cannot stress this enough, and probably it’s something learned the hard way, but do not compare yourself with others. It is only depressing.
There’s a reason why each of us has different circumstances, Sweetie. Everything in this world happens for a reason, and each thing, each choice we make, leads us to our destiny. There is reason why the poor is poor and the rich is rich. Whatever a person’s circumstance is, we should see it as an opportunity to learn, and it should not stop you from achieving your dreams. Chase them because sometimes they just do not wait for you. Sometimes there would be no opportunities, so make them.
Do not just readily accept all the time what life hands you. Living doesn’t swing that way. As one should be contented enough to be happy, be discontented enough to improve, my darling. Do not be afraid to make mistakes and take risks. Take a leap of faith. Playing is safe is never a way to live. Take it from me.
I am not saying to constantly put your life in danger just for the thrill of it. You are reasonable. I just want to tell you that you have to listen to your heart too.
And ,ah, about love. I could write a book about it, with probably a hundred chapters to boot! But one of the most valuable (and timeless) lessons I learned regarding it, Tori, is to never alter ‘you’ just for the heck of a guy. If he doesn’t accept you at your worst, he freaking does not deserve you at your best. So it is a great deal to be just you, and don’t rush into a relationship just for the sake of being in one.
I know how each guy could feel like The One. I know the loneliness that could only be quenched with love and intimacy with the opposite sex. But wait for the right person. Wait for that guy who would love you for who you truly are: sinner or saint, flaws and all. You are special and beautiful, and the person deserving of your love would see that. He’s worth the wait. I have written an article titled “Status: Single, Explained” and it would say a great deal of what I am mainly trying to tell you Sweetie.
Casanova would say: be the flame, not the moth, and I highly recommend that you take this to heart too. Your Mama’s striving to, God knows. Be hard to get, but easy to live with. Haha!
Kidding aside Tori, I don’t want to fill you with empty promises that love doesn’t hurt. I could not even begin to describe how it could be bloody painful. It might take several heartaches to be finally with the person you are destined to spend forever with. Just please, I beg you, don’t stop loving. Keep the courage to endure the pain longer. Because for each one of us, there is something wonderful. True love is just too beautiful to give up on, as I am sure you’d realize someday.
There are just so many things I could tell you right now. To be honest with you, at this very second I just felt the desire to fast-forward the years now so that I could be sitting next to you watching the stars on the balcony of what our home would be. I imagine our giggling to the amusement of your Dad, whoever he could be. It would probably be more fun to talk to you about love and fairy tales face to face, wouldn’t it? And we’d never run out of stories for nights by the campfire. I am looking already forward to our salon sessions together, our trading secrets and playing silly games together. I can’t wait to be your Mama. Only on my end, it would take some time before I’d be blessed with your presence.
And if after reading this letter you begin to see the world even just in a slightly different light, my goal in writing it is accomplished, Sweetie. I know that I will always be proud of you. And I love you across time.
With kisses and hugs,
Your Mother
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