Don't Call Me Beautiful

I VEHEMENTLY ABHOR IT. I get irritated, inexplicably rebellious over apparently nothing, and mad at the 'limited vocabulary'.

Of course I might be overacting again, but for some reason, I hate to be called beautiful. Not that many people call me so, but whenever some people somehow went blind and associated the word "beautiful" with me, it would always be a challenge to SINCERELY thank the person for the compliment. Most of the time I doubt if it was really meant, and if it was not just said for the sake of conventions and politeness.That word is too common, at times sounding just fake, and so used frequently that to me it simply lost its meaning (though dictionaries still define it as " having qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.") For some reason being called it,regardless who did, just pisses me off.

Jeez, am I not insecure. I hope I am the only woman who felt this way about being called 'beautiful'. Even to me it's obvious that I do lack confidence in myself. I am too paranoid. I compensate sometimes through arrogance and bullying. But I just felt this way. Sometimes I know I come across too strong, but in my subconscious I've been aware that I appear more confident than I actually feel.


What makes my heart flutter, though, is being called "lovely", and not many people have used that adjective in describing me. "Lovely" in itself has a special ring to it,but then again that is just my impression.

Maybe when I overcome my insecurity and realize I could be sometimes beautiful, hearing "beautiful" wouldn't bother me much. Or maybe it's because no one has called me beautiful and made me FEEL beautiful.But what I have to concern myself with (and I owe myself this) is to BELIEVE that I am. After all, your worth is a matter of perspective. But gosh, I hope until I come into terms with myself on this issue, nobody would call me beautiful...yet.